Holiday Ups and Downs

So my mother is on an attitude trip today. My sister got her car stuck so mom had to go take her to work, and then she came home, yelled at me to get outside and help her clear the driveway. I didn't do anything to deserve being yelled at she walked in the door and screamed. Then after we get the driveway mostly cleared and get my sisters car unstuck and in it's spot mom comes inside and calls the mac people to see if it's the computer causing her email issues. Well they make her create a new user account on the computer to see if it's anything she messed with. Well it wasn't so she still can't get to her email. Then she can't figure out how to get logged out of the other account and logged back into her regular one, and she refuses to let me look at it. I'm not a mac genius but I know a little more than she does. So she gets all cranky about that and then goes upstairs to do dishes and starts yelling at me again for some dirty dishes. Now my sister (same one) and I made snacks the other night while we watched movies will I sprayed nonstick spray on the pan, when my stuff was done I left my sister to do hers. So there's a ton of this spray on the pan and I'm pretty sure I didn't put that much on it. And of course said sister is away at work so she doesn't get to hear a word of all this. So my mother is being a bitch and refuses to stop taking it out on me. I'm tired of it.

Now yesterday she took me out to Lane Bryant up in Williamsburg to get some new clothes since I'm only a year and a half from graduation and needed some better professional clothes. That and I haven't gotten any new winter clothes since before I moved to Montana over 2 years ago. And we found a large number of really nice clothes and she dished out for them for me. And I really appreciate it, but honestly does she have to flip flop between complete bitch and being really nice?

But I have only a few days left here and then I'm back on my own where I won't have to deal with her on a day to day basis. And next year I'm planning on spending christmas with my Boyfriend wherever he gets stationed in August. That way I don't have to deal with the drama of my family.

They're not a bad family but so often they just turn into assholes and I don't want to deal with that.

How are you supposed to feel pretty...

...when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are constantly calling you fat and ugly. Almost every time I've dressed up since I hit puberty this line or something close to it hasn't been far from my father's lips, "You'd look so pretty if you just lost your weight." And everytime I talk to either of my parents they go on and on about my dad having lost weight, or about this and that person who's lost weight. And they tell me I could too if I tried. All I have to do is make "lifestyle changes".

And what makes this worse is I'm supposed to go to my sister's wedding tomorrow. Guess what line she won't ever get from my father. I dread the day I get married because I know he's probably gonna pull that line on me again.

Foot In Their Mouth

So I had a really bad night last night. And I hadn't vented anywhere about something my mother said over the phone a few weeks ago. Well we were talking about clothes, and as I'm getting to an age where Jeans and T-shirts aren't good enough and I need dress pants and other nice clothes, mom wanted to know what size I was. Well I haven't really gone shopping for clothes in a while at any place that sells good quality nice clothes so I didn't know. So she asks me how much I way. I told her 230's most of the time. And here's what she said "Wow, your dad weighs less than you do now!"

Way to make your daughter feel good mom. So she starts in "Oh I didn't mean it like that!" Yeah you did mom. It's not like I don't have enough self confidence issues going to my sisters wedding over Christmas, but now I get to be the fattest one in the family. Lovely, great, someone grab me a damned paper bag please.

Now I've always hated weddings. Hate going to them, hate sitting at the receptions being the only one bored out of my mind while everyone else goes running onto the dance floor. A. I don't dance in public B. No one would want to dance with me at weddings anyway so screw it, C. I hate getting the looks. You know the looks, the glance between you and your sisters weighing, measuring. And the inevitable thought, "How did they end up with that when the other three turned out so well?" And it doesn't help that I know some of my future brother-in-laws friends are assholes to women. So if I hear so much as one comment I'll end going to hide so I don't ruin my perfect sisters perfect day.

I've Been Neglecting This

So I haven't posted in a good long time. Well...here's my beef today, bra's. Particularly bra's sold in stores I would love to buy bras from, like Lane Bryant and Torrid. My problem, in comparison to other fat ladies, I am a member of the itty bitty titty committee. I am not a size D or larger. I am a C or a B depending on what kind of bra. Now here comes the beef, whenever you look at bras in these stores for larger women, you look at their C's and they look like another places D or DD! It drives me bonkers! And I'm very leary of ordering bras online from these places because of it. There is no Lane Bryant or Torrid store in Montana. Not one. So I can't go try anything on to check and see what size I am. Because these stores only use a couple of brands as far as I've seen; it'd be easy for me to figure out what to buy if I had a store near here. But their isn't so I can't, and therefore I am stuck.

Now here in Billings I'm better off than some larger lady up in bum-fucking-nowhere Montana. We do have stores that do cater...somewhat, to larger womens bustier needs. JCPenny has some decent bras, but only two of the designers they carry (of like seven or eight) actually go above a 38. I am a 40, now imagine how pissed that makes me when I see the cutest bra, but it only goes up to a 38. Herbergers, you have a little better selection as the bra's they carry aren't really centered on teeny boppers or women who are very thin. But then here's the problem, you have your choice of...white, red, skin tone, black. All the pretty colors and cute patterns are only available in, you guessed it, up to 38. Then we have this lovely lingerie store, and they have nice panties and good bras...the problem, they never have sales, or their sale items are only in itty bitty sizes. They also tend to only carry smaller sizes in their panties. You look at the size 4-7 panty sections and you see a ton of cute panties, you get to size 8+ and the panties are suddenly all of the same make and design, just in different colors. Oh and have I mentioned price? $32.00+ for a bra and I think the cheapest pair of panties they have is $8.00 for one pair. Now I'm not poor by any means, and I know the average price of a bra is at least $30, and I've seen bra's go above $50. But, Penny's and Herbergers have sales on occasion. Like on Black Friday, Penny's was selling almost all their bras for basically $15 a pop. So I went looking and ran into the whole no cute bra's in my size problem.

And this issue leads me back to the whole larger women's stores having outrageous sizes for bras. As I said I'd love to shop their. They have some of the cutest bras! A friend of mine who is on the small size of large by not quite small enough to be considered normal bought some bras from them and loves them! But she lives near Salt Lake City. Somehow I'm pretty sure there's a Lane Bryant near there. She is also not itty bitty in the titty area.

So that's my rant for the day.

Been a While!

So, it's been a while since I wrote. To start, my boyfriends visit went well, regardless of him putting his foot in his mouth once. XD But guys do that, must guys don't know how to be tactful. Other than that, things have been snowballing around here and rapidly headed towards finals. I'm feeling pretty good and all my planetickets for the holiday season are purchased and planned out.

Now, recently the news has been concentrating on things that I really don't care about. "Are Brad and Angelina breaking up?" "Sara Palin's Book!" "Rosies Love Life Revealed!" and about that one chick who supposedly made some sex tapes. Ok whatever I do not care. Could you please cover something that is actually newsworthy and not complete bullshit. You know this is the reason I got rid of my cable. There's nothing worth watching on. And the only reason I hear what I do hear is that the TV's on campus are turned to CNN, MSNBC, and all those other news shows. It drives me nuts. Grrrr, hate the media.

Article!

So I logged onto my windows live messenger this morning and whenever I log in I get this little window of current popular articles on all the MSN sights. Well on the Today portion of the MSNBC website I found this article.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33395019/ns/today-today_relationships/?GT1=43001

It's all about the problems larger women have with online dating and ridicule in their everyday lives. It tells of how some women talk with the guy and then the guy finds out their larger (even if it's written clearly on whatever page they have) he leaves with the excuse that he didn't know or just plain disappears. Other things are the guy is fine till you meet him in person and then he's disappointed.

Now this subject is fairly close to home for me as my own relationship was started online. Mind you we didn't meet through a dating site, but through mutual friends/family. But I get to go to the airport to pick him up today. He's staying with me for a little over a week, and I'm having the usual jitters. XD But those worried feelings are intermixed with a lot of excitement.

But I did try some of the dating sites and found them wanting. People only contact you if they feel your pretty enough on there. And yes online your picture counts for a lot because it's hard to describe yourself in a way that is appealing, or actually portrays who you are.

And on these sites unfortunately for obvious reasons I got ignored. *rolls eyes* So when I was really discouraged a friend introduced me and my honey (her brother-in-law) and things have been going well and I got rid of my account on the site I was on. And I know that online dating can work for some people, it's just harder and both parties have to be realistic.

Anyway I'm gonna end it there so I can clear off the kitchen table and thaw out the corned beef brisket I'm cooking tonight. So wish me luck, and post any progress when I can. (maybe when he's napping)

PCOS and Me

So I haven't talked much about PCOS on here and tonight I'm really feeling like it needs to be talked about. So I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and it's a giant pain in the rear end. Not only do I have mood swings galore if I don't take my birth control pills, but I'm also pretty much guaranteed to get Diabetes, and at higher risk of Uterine Cancer and Breast Cancer and umpteen other different bad things. On top of all these long term side effects I get to deal with ones that are everyday occurrences that quite frequently people make fun of me for. I have basically the beginnings of a beard of I don't shave it, and chest hair and all sorts of other crap that I don't want to deal with.

Now what brought this up tonight for me is that my boyfriend is coming to see me in 10 days. Now I've explained to him about PCOS and some of the things that happen because of it, but there's a distinct difference between telling someone and them seeing it. So I'm sitting here going "Great, wonderful, not only do I have to worry about zits and other normal girl stuff I have to worry about shaving my face!" It really made me want to cry when I started thinking about it. And I know if he can't accept that I have a few more physical quirks than a normal fat girl then he's not for me, but...

Grrrr, it just seems like I get screwed when I was born. I have three older sisters, of whom only one has PCOS. But she doesn't have the same issues I do. She is a size 10-12 doesn't have hair in the wrong places and looks gorgeous on top of only having to take birth control to deal with her PCOS. Now the other two...again size 10-12 gorgeous and societies version of pretty outside of model thin. So yeah whenever I think about standing beside them I cringe or want to cry. I want to scream why me.

You know intellectually I've excepted the fact that I'm going to have issues my entire life, but it's just not fair. Why am I the one that got all the bad crap when the lot of them just waltz through life?

So needless to say tonight hasn't been a good night. I can't seem to find anything really positive, and of course I get to look forward to my sister's wedding in a few months. Wonderful, I get to spend Christmas in a corner by myself while everyone else has fun and enjoys themselves. I hate weddings and I hate that I feel like I have to make up for the fact that I have PCOS because obviously I did something wrong to deserve it.

Love Yourself

So today I decided that I love my hands. I remember when I was little I always admired my mom's hands because they were so thin and feminine. Now I've bitten my nails since I was little, and at this point I kinda wonder if I'll ever stop biting them. But recently even with my stubby nails I looked at my hands and saw the thin fingers and the delicate bone structure and I went wow, I have really feminine hands. And this surprised me because sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what about me looks feminine at all. And sometimes I can see that my face is feminine other times my eyes or my curves. But there are too many times I look in the mirror and scowl because I don't feel that I look feminine enough.

And this week especially it's somewhat important to find what I like about myself because no matter what all women feel disgusting when it's that time of the month. So even though I feel horrible I had my moment of yay I'm feminine squishyness this morning.

Snow snow snow!

So it's below freezing outside and we've had our second round of snow here in Montana. I love the snow. I love the cold. I get to wear some of my cutest tops when it's cold out. I have no idea why there are no scoop necked short sleeved shirts but I have yet to see one. And sweaters! I love sweaters, they're so warm and soft. I like soft things, I'm a feely person so if a fabric feels nice I'm very inclined to want to wear it. And in winter time people don't look at me funny for wearing pants either. I always wear pants I can never find shorts that I like. They're always too short or too long or they don't come in my size. So winter is one of my favorite times of the year.

The other reason I like winter is because it lets me use some of my favorite blankets, and makes me want to finish various craft projects I've been putting off. Like my quilt that I started weeks ago. If I'd just work on it I'd have finished the quilt top ages ago. But school and all sorts of other things have gotten in the way. And crafts are one thing I love. I've found that making this quilt has been very restful because it's such a slow process and you can't really hurry it along.

It's all about the Numbers

So, I've realized that people put too much stock in numbers. If it's not your weight or dress size, it's your GPA or grades. No matter what kind of test or item that is being numbered if you don't fall into a particular bracket, it's completely unacceptable.

Now dress sizes, a lot of people think that a woman should be a size 6-8 and that's perfectly normal, while a size 10-12 or more is obese. Well folks hate to break it to you lot but 10-12 is pretty average. My sisters who are not fat by any means fall into the 10-12 range....I think two of them might be a little below that, I don't keep up with my sisters sizes as I can't share their clothes. Anyway, this is ridiculous, I hate that women are labled obese because of a stupid number. Now, I'm an 18 at the moment, I've gone as high as 20, but never more than that. And I feel pretty good. I mean yeah I have my days where I'm just going nuts and I feel terrible but everyone has their days. But today, I went to Ross. Ross is a store that sells clothes that were last years styles or left overs from other shops. Today while I was there with a friend I found a very nice skirt suit. I was so happy I found it and at the low price of $19.99 (yay for no sales tax in Montana!) I was able to purchase it. My issue with the whole thing....there were all of maybe 10-15 items in the dressy section for women larger than a size 10. (I mean in each size bracket) So I'm lucky I found this suit that I really liked. But it still made me mad that the little itty bitty sizes have all this selection while us larger ladies are stuck picking through the dregs.

As it is here in Montana I have two choices for clothes if I want to be able to try them on before I buy. I can go 50 years to old for me or 10 years too young for me. I'm not kidding, there is not one store here that has clothes for larger women in my age bracket. I mean sure we have DEBS and Maurices, but they cater to the little teeny boppers and high schoolers. We also have C. J. Banks which sells larger womens clothes but for women who are firmly established in their professions and/or approaching retirement age. (No offense to anyone who shops there) There is no Lane Byrant in the state, the nearest one in fact is more than 5 hours away. So I have to go digging through oodles and oodles of clothes that are not for me to find one little itty bitty item to wear.

And don't get my started on panties. OH! It makes me so mad, I have to go to the specialty lingerie store to get cute panties because all the regular stores sell in my size are granny panties. (Again no offense to those who wear them) And I'm sorry but those just do not make me feel sexy. I am a 20 year old woman. I want to feel sexy damn it!

Back to the numbers thing, another thing I mentioned that we put too much stock in as far as numbers are concerned are grades and GPA's. Now I have a 3.1 at the moment, and that's not too shabby, but you want to know what my mom said...."You can do better!" And yeah maybe I could if I wasn't being forced to take things like Biology that I have no interest in or need of. Yes I understand that a basic understanding of biology is necessary, but I think I got what I needed in high school, thanks. I don't do well in science or math. I can pass them with difficulty, and usually not with the best grades. But, most people don't realize that the national average for a GPA is a 2.0 that's a C. I have a solid B average so what the heck is my mother complaining about! I am not my brainiache older sister who got all A's in high school and almost all A's in college. I am average....actually according to the studies I'm above average. So HUSH! I'm so tired of hearing how much better my sisters are than me in school. I'm so tired of hearing how this sister did that or this in college, and the implied "Why can't you be more like them?" Funny, I'm not like them, get over it, move on.

Lets Talk Spam

So for the past few weeks I've been getting email after email of spam. Half of the emails are for male enhancement which sometimes makes me giggle and sometimes makes me want to scream, but the other half are all about losing weight or making your stomach flatter. Mind you I'm sick of getting both kinds but the second one hits a little harder. As I'm trying to think of myself as pretty and desirable, I keep getting this junk mail from people I don't know and have never heard of for all these diet products or products that will help me lose weight or look thinner. I keep deleting them and reporting them as spam but because they all come from different email accounts every time it really doesn't help. Everyday I have to clean out anywhere from 2-4 junk emails about this and that diet product.

It's really starting to take it's tole on me. I would absolutely love to just crash these peoples email accounts so they can't send anymore of this junk out to others. Oh and the best part, it doesn't even look like they're sending it to me. My email address isn't in the "To" bar. It makes me so mad and so upset. I wanna hate these people for being so gosh darned mean, even though I know they aren't doing it on purpose.

On top of all this I just had my prescriptions transferred to a pharmacy closer to my new apartment. Well I called the doctors office because I was out of refills anyway along with the transfer and the lady I talked to said they'd do it and call me later to make sure it was what I wanted. Well I didn't get a call so I ran over to the pharmacy yesterday to see if things had gone through and sure enough they hadn't so the pharmacy went and called the doctors office and got it all straightened out. Turns out the doctors office wasn't gonna do it at all. I'm so sick of this office, first they don't pre-certify some tests for me with the insurance company so I have to screw around trying to get them post-pre-certified. Then I find out that the doctor screwed up and prescribed me the wrong brace for the injury I had and so I had to pay for it out of pocket ($700-$800). Oh and when I go for physical therapy for the leg injury, the therapists looks at my test results and says it didn't look like a fracture to him, but like a bone bruise. But either way I get screwed.

And the nurse of course when I'm trying to get this all straightened out is an irresponsible and very rude individual. Needless to say I need to get my mother involved as sometimes they'll listen to her better than they'll listen to me. The nurse yelled at my mother over the phone. So yeah not happy with this office, but I don't really have any other options. It's either go to St. Vincents (where I'm at now) or Billings Clinic. Unfortunately both seem to be full of incompetents and or complete jerks.

Sleeping is Not My Thing

Alteast this weekend sleep isn't my thing. Since Friday I haven't gotten more than 8-9 hours put together. If it's not me just being wonky one day, it's the damn wind making a racket because of a pressure change. So here I am 4:30 awake, and none to happy about it. In fact I'm about ready to cry. I have to work tomorrow, an 8 AM class on Monday, and I can't get a decent nights sleep to save my life. I feel horrible and that makes it easier for me to fall back into old habits, like hating my body.

I have too much going on right now to be losing sleep, and I don't have time to recharge. When I'm not at work, I'm in classes, when I'm not in classes I'm trying to study, and when I'm not doing those I'm being nagged at by people who I once considered really close friends. Oh and of course my college if retarded, we don't get a fall break fall semester. We go clear from early September to mid/late November with no days off. But then in the spring we have something like 4 weeks worth of vacation. I wish they would take those days right before finals that they give us "spring mini break" and shove them in the middle of October, but no, they have to be jerks.

*head desk* I just want some sleep and a day where I can curl up in bed and cry or do something that doesn't involve, school, work, or anything else that has kept me too busy lately.

34, 30, and No You Can't Have My Measurements

Has nothing to do with age! XD Nope this have everything to do with everything due or happening on the same days when you're in college and a special event that's coming up. Tomorrow I have 1. a test in my bio class that I have to study for and 2. a 34 pg. reading assignment about Homer that we will be discussing in my Ancient Greece class. Now sometimes I don't mind reading assignments...but this is one of those times where I want to smack my professor. You see, it's taken 20 minutes to load this document that I'm supposed to read, and then I have t print it out, oh and parts of it are in ancient Greek. Lovely.

Ok, I'm gonna drop that before I get on my soap box.

Now on to the good news. In 30 days, my boyfriend will be here. This will be the first time we've met in person due to his job and my schooling. (He's in the Air Force, I'm in college obviously)

So do you ever wonder where the hell they came up with the perfect measurements for women? I do, I honestly think it's ridiculous for people to be judged by a number on a measuring tape. Now I know how important these measurements are to people who sew clothing and such (I sew so I've used my own and other people's measurements). But to go on and on about how this or that woman has the perfect body shape or measurements is just as bad as going on about the number on the scale. So unless you are having clothes made for you, are making clothes for yourself, or not sure about size when ordering over the internet, don't measure your waistline, don't measure your bust. *steps off her soap box and hides it under the bed again*

Food is Not the Enemy

So food really isn't the enemy for larger men and women. It's their lack of self confidence. Now mind you at the moment I'm having problems with a picky stomach, but food isn't the enemy. Understandably people believe that food is the root of all their problems when they're fat, but truly it's not. Over the past few weeks I've been following what is called "Intuitive eating", basically I eat what I feel like when I feel like it. I want ice cream I have ice cream. I want an orange I have an orange. It's whatever sounds good to me at the time. And I've slowly begun figuring out what my body is wanting from me.

For example, late last week I bought a pizza, just plain cheese, no topping or anything. I have yet to eat more than three slices of it because everytime I think about eating it, my stomach turns. But the instant I think about eating some of that meatball soup I have in the freezer, my stomach grumbles at me. Or if I make a quick tuna salad sandwich m stomache is relatively happy. So at this point my body doesn't want greasy, oily foods, it wants things that are light. And for the past few days I've been craving food from this wonderful italian place but I really don't need to spend the money on going out. So I'm stuck trying to make do with what I have. So far I'm not so sure how well that's worked out. But I am learning. And I've found now that I've started enjoying my food and what it tastes like, I've stopped really thinking about what other people have to say or what they think about what I'm eating. And the truth is other people really don't care unless they have no life of their own.

Of Corsetry and Boffers

So my boyfriend almost got in trouble this past week. It all started with a new guy at work wanting to start up a LARP (Live Action Role-Playing game) group over on the Osan Airbase. Well the rest of the guys in his shop were all of the opinion that people who play LARP's are...uninteresting. Now I play a LARP. It's called Amtgard. We hit each other with padded PVC pipes, padded bamboo, and padded graphite cores. So he feels the need to speak up and say something about this. So he does. Well his MSgt was there at the time and asked him, "How the hell do you know someone in Montana when you've never been there?!" to which my boyfriend replied, "Well Sir, there's this thing called the internet..." Fortunately his MSgt has a sense of humor and laughed.

So this lead to a conversation about corsetry. Now, since most of the game I play is based in a fantasy/medieval type world, corsets are fairly common among the ladies that play. Yes we go beat on guys with sticks wearing corsets. It's fun, you should try it some time! We count boobs as distraction armor. XD So today as I was playing I brought my camera along and took photos and let other people take photos, and got some good ones for him to show these silly men what LARP's are all about.

Alright now on to the main event of the day! I finished "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" yesterday. Awesome read, I'm gonna suggest it again to anyone who reads this. These ladies are so right in their thinking. It makes so much sense what they have to say.

Death to the Diet! Hello Cupcake!

So, I picked up "Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby and I'm over halfway through it. Now what's one of the first things they have to say to their readers. Diets don't work. Yep it's true, science has shown that starving yourself or going on specific diets that tell you to cut out certain types of food do not work. After 5 years most of the weight women have lost through the diets comes back.

Anyway I love this book. It's all about learning how to be self-confident and treat yourself right regardless of your size. They talk about intuitive eating and finding exercise you enjoy doing just because it's fun, not because you want to lose weight. They also rag on the media for showing mostly thin women and for airbrushing the photos we see so much that they don't even look like themselves.

But yeah I'm not making much sense today with this. Go buy the book or borrow it and read it. It's absolutely fabulous. Also check out the two authors blogs and all the resources they put in the back.

Back in School and Surprisingly Happy

I started back for fall semester this week. Normally I cringe whenever I walk down the halls at the sight of all these size 2 girls draped over guys arms, and doing the whole giggle and be shallow routine. Mind you not all the girls are like that, but it just seems like I see so many of them. Well that was last year. ^_^ This year I walk down the halls and am able to ignore them. Why? Because someone calls me beautiful, and I believe him.

Last year I'd sit and feel miserable at tables in the cafe as all around me it seemed like all these girls, who I thought were prettier than me due to the fact that they were all thin, had someone that thought they were desirable. Mind you I wasn't envious of any one of them in particular over any one guy. I can honestly say I haven't seen one of these girls with someone that I would like to be involved with in any way. I just felt terrible over the fact that they seemed to be able to find a person who was interested in them while I was stuck in a corner.

This year, I really don't care. It very rarely crosses my mind to be unhappy while I'm on campus anymore, because I know when I go home I have something to look forward too. And this semester especially I have something to look forward to as my boyfriend is coming to see me in October over my birthday. So more often than not I'm not thinking about how these skinny girls are all prettier than I am, I'm thinking about when he's coming to see me or just thinking about him in general. So I usually end up walking around between classes with a goofy grin on my face.

So yeah this isn't exactly about weight, but when someone says you're gorgeous and you can believe them, it's a good feeling and can change your entire outlook. It gives you the confidence you need to lift your head high and basically tell society's idea of pretty to shove it.

Recent Devlopements

So, just last week my boyfriends mom made some comments about my weight based on a photo he sent her. Now, she's never met me in person and the photo was 4 years old back before I was diagnosed with PCOS. So I look larger and not very feminine in the photo. I was also in Germany at the time and running around in partially in ruins castle. So I was in comfortable clothes rather than nice ones. But still this got to me and I started thinking in the back of my head that I wasn't good enough for him.

Now mind you my boyfriend has no idea his mom has said this and I'm not gonna tell him about it because it would cause tension. His brother is the one that told me about it, but he's always been very supportive of our relationship. In fact as he put it, I'm good enough because I've been able to get his brother to fly halfway around the world to see me. My boyfriend is in South Korea right now with the Air Force.

Anyway I was able to talk with his brother last night about my doubts since I'm not supposed to talk about it with his fiance (my best friend) or my boyfriend for obvious reasons. And he helped me through it a little bit with the previously mentioned schpeal about my getting his brother out of his shell. But he also assured me that their mom would love me once she met me. That she was just worried about her son finding someone he could grow old with.

But I did talk about this with some of the ladies on the PCOS group I'm a part of and one of them pointed me towards her fat acceptance blog along with several others. I read through it and found that I have felt or am feeling a lot of the same things these other women like me are feeling. So it's prompted me to start up this blog to kind of write out my journey towards acceptance of myself. I'll probably end up venting on here on and whine and just be an all around pain in the neck, but I can hope that it'll help others or even just help me if no one else reads it.