Article!

So I logged onto my windows live messenger this morning and whenever I log in I get this little window of current popular articles on all the MSN sights. Well on the Today portion of the MSNBC website I found this article.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33395019/ns/today-today_relationships/?GT1=43001

It's all about the problems larger women have with online dating and ridicule in their everyday lives. It tells of how some women talk with the guy and then the guy finds out their larger (even if it's written clearly on whatever page they have) he leaves with the excuse that he didn't know or just plain disappears. Other things are the guy is fine till you meet him in person and then he's disappointed.

Now this subject is fairly close to home for me as my own relationship was started online. Mind you we didn't meet through a dating site, but through mutual friends/family. But I get to go to the airport to pick him up today. He's staying with me for a little over a week, and I'm having the usual jitters. XD But those worried feelings are intermixed with a lot of excitement.

But I did try some of the dating sites and found them wanting. People only contact you if they feel your pretty enough on there. And yes online your picture counts for a lot because it's hard to describe yourself in a way that is appealing, or actually portrays who you are.

And on these sites unfortunately for obvious reasons I got ignored. *rolls eyes* So when I was really discouraged a friend introduced me and my honey (her brother-in-law) and things have been going well and I got rid of my account on the site I was on. And I know that online dating can work for some people, it's just harder and both parties have to be realistic.

Anyway I'm gonna end it there so I can clear off the kitchen table and thaw out the corned beef brisket I'm cooking tonight. So wish me luck, and post any progress when I can. (maybe when he's napping)

PCOS and Me

So I haven't talked much about PCOS on here and tonight I'm really feeling like it needs to be talked about. So I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and it's a giant pain in the rear end. Not only do I have mood swings galore if I don't take my birth control pills, but I'm also pretty much guaranteed to get Diabetes, and at higher risk of Uterine Cancer and Breast Cancer and umpteen other different bad things. On top of all these long term side effects I get to deal with ones that are everyday occurrences that quite frequently people make fun of me for. I have basically the beginnings of a beard of I don't shave it, and chest hair and all sorts of other crap that I don't want to deal with.

Now what brought this up tonight for me is that my boyfriend is coming to see me in 10 days. Now I've explained to him about PCOS and some of the things that happen because of it, but there's a distinct difference between telling someone and them seeing it. So I'm sitting here going "Great, wonderful, not only do I have to worry about zits and other normal girl stuff I have to worry about shaving my face!" It really made me want to cry when I started thinking about it. And I know if he can't accept that I have a few more physical quirks than a normal fat girl then he's not for me, but...

Grrrr, it just seems like I get screwed when I was born. I have three older sisters, of whom only one has PCOS. But she doesn't have the same issues I do. She is a size 10-12 doesn't have hair in the wrong places and looks gorgeous on top of only having to take birth control to deal with her PCOS. Now the other two...again size 10-12 gorgeous and societies version of pretty outside of model thin. So yeah whenever I think about standing beside them I cringe or want to cry. I want to scream why me.

You know intellectually I've excepted the fact that I'm going to have issues my entire life, but it's just not fair. Why am I the one that got all the bad crap when the lot of them just waltz through life?

So needless to say tonight hasn't been a good night. I can't seem to find anything really positive, and of course I get to look forward to my sister's wedding in a few months. Wonderful, I get to spend Christmas in a corner by myself while everyone else has fun and enjoys themselves. I hate weddings and I hate that I feel like I have to make up for the fact that I have PCOS because obviously I did something wrong to deserve it.

Love Yourself

So today I decided that I love my hands. I remember when I was little I always admired my mom's hands because they were so thin and feminine. Now I've bitten my nails since I was little, and at this point I kinda wonder if I'll ever stop biting them. But recently even with my stubby nails I looked at my hands and saw the thin fingers and the delicate bone structure and I went wow, I have really feminine hands. And this surprised me because sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what about me looks feminine at all. And sometimes I can see that my face is feminine other times my eyes or my curves. But there are too many times I look in the mirror and scowl because I don't feel that I look feminine enough.

And this week especially it's somewhat important to find what I like about myself because no matter what all women feel disgusting when it's that time of the month. So even though I feel horrible I had my moment of yay I'm feminine squishyness this morning.

Snow snow snow!

So it's below freezing outside and we've had our second round of snow here in Montana. I love the snow. I love the cold. I get to wear some of my cutest tops when it's cold out. I have no idea why there are no scoop necked short sleeved shirts but I have yet to see one. And sweaters! I love sweaters, they're so warm and soft. I like soft things, I'm a feely person so if a fabric feels nice I'm very inclined to want to wear it. And in winter time people don't look at me funny for wearing pants either. I always wear pants I can never find shorts that I like. They're always too short or too long or they don't come in my size. So winter is one of my favorite times of the year.

The other reason I like winter is because it lets me use some of my favorite blankets, and makes me want to finish various craft projects I've been putting off. Like my quilt that I started weeks ago. If I'd just work on it I'd have finished the quilt top ages ago. But school and all sorts of other things have gotten in the way. And crafts are one thing I love. I've found that making this quilt has been very restful because it's such a slow process and you can't really hurry it along.

It's all about the Numbers

So, I've realized that people put too much stock in numbers. If it's not your weight or dress size, it's your GPA or grades. No matter what kind of test or item that is being numbered if you don't fall into a particular bracket, it's completely unacceptable.

Now dress sizes, a lot of people think that a woman should be a size 6-8 and that's perfectly normal, while a size 10-12 or more is obese. Well folks hate to break it to you lot but 10-12 is pretty average. My sisters who are not fat by any means fall into the 10-12 range....I think two of them might be a little below that, I don't keep up with my sisters sizes as I can't share their clothes. Anyway, this is ridiculous, I hate that women are labled obese because of a stupid number. Now, I'm an 18 at the moment, I've gone as high as 20, but never more than that. And I feel pretty good. I mean yeah I have my days where I'm just going nuts and I feel terrible but everyone has their days. But today, I went to Ross. Ross is a store that sells clothes that were last years styles or left overs from other shops. Today while I was there with a friend I found a very nice skirt suit. I was so happy I found it and at the low price of $19.99 (yay for no sales tax in Montana!) I was able to purchase it. My issue with the whole thing....there were all of maybe 10-15 items in the dressy section for women larger than a size 10. (I mean in each size bracket) So I'm lucky I found this suit that I really liked. But it still made me mad that the little itty bitty sizes have all this selection while us larger ladies are stuck picking through the dregs.

As it is here in Montana I have two choices for clothes if I want to be able to try them on before I buy. I can go 50 years to old for me or 10 years too young for me. I'm not kidding, there is not one store here that has clothes for larger women in my age bracket. I mean sure we have DEBS and Maurices, but they cater to the little teeny boppers and high schoolers. We also have C. J. Banks which sells larger womens clothes but for women who are firmly established in their professions and/or approaching retirement age. (No offense to anyone who shops there) There is no Lane Byrant in the state, the nearest one in fact is more than 5 hours away. So I have to go digging through oodles and oodles of clothes that are not for me to find one little itty bitty item to wear.

And don't get my started on panties. OH! It makes me so mad, I have to go to the specialty lingerie store to get cute panties because all the regular stores sell in my size are granny panties. (Again no offense to those who wear them) And I'm sorry but those just do not make me feel sexy. I am a 20 year old woman. I want to feel sexy damn it!

Back to the numbers thing, another thing I mentioned that we put too much stock in as far as numbers are concerned are grades and GPA's. Now I have a 3.1 at the moment, and that's not too shabby, but you want to know what my mom said...."You can do better!" And yeah maybe I could if I wasn't being forced to take things like Biology that I have no interest in or need of. Yes I understand that a basic understanding of biology is necessary, but I think I got what I needed in high school, thanks. I don't do well in science or math. I can pass them with difficulty, and usually not with the best grades. But, most people don't realize that the national average for a GPA is a 2.0 that's a C. I have a solid B average so what the heck is my mother complaining about! I am not my brainiache older sister who got all A's in high school and almost all A's in college. I am average....actually according to the studies I'm above average. So HUSH! I'm so tired of hearing how much better my sisters are than me in school. I'm so tired of hearing how this sister did that or this in college, and the implied "Why can't you be more like them?" Funny, I'm not like them, get over it, move on.

Lets Talk Spam

So for the past few weeks I've been getting email after email of spam. Half of the emails are for male enhancement which sometimes makes me giggle and sometimes makes me want to scream, but the other half are all about losing weight or making your stomach flatter. Mind you I'm sick of getting both kinds but the second one hits a little harder. As I'm trying to think of myself as pretty and desirable, I keep getting this junk mail from people I don't know and have never heard of for all these diet products or products that will help me lose weight or look thinner. I keep deleting them and reporting them as spam but because they all come from different email accounts every time it really doesn't help. Everyday I have to clean out anywhere from 2-4 junk emails about this and that diet product.

It's really starting to take it's tole on me. I would absolutely love to just crash these peoples email accounts so they can't send anymore of this junk out to others. Oh and the best part, it doesn't even look like they're sending it to me. My email address isn't in the "To" bar. It makes me so mad and so upset. I wanna hate these people for being so gosh darned mean, even though I know they aren't doing it on purpose.

On top of all this I just had my prescriptions transferred to a pharmacy closer to my new apartment. Well I called the doctors office because I was out of refills anyway along with the transfer and the lady I talked to said they'd do it and call me later to make sure it was what I wanted. Well I didn't get a call so I ran over to the pharmacy yesterday to see if things had gone through and sure enough they hadn't so the pharmacy went and called the doctors office and got it all straightened out. Turns out the doctors office wasn't gonna do it at all. I'm so sick of this office, first they don't pre-certify some tests for me with the insurance company so I have to screw around trying to get them post-pre-certified. Then I find out that the doctor screwed up and prescribed me the wrong brace for the injury I had and so I had to pay for it out of pocket ($700-$800). Oh and when I go for physical therapy for the leg injury, the therapists looks at my test results and says it didn't look like a fracture to him, but like a bone bruise. But either way I get screwed.

And the nurse of course when I'm trying to get this all straightened out is an irresponsible and very rude individual. Needless to say I need to get my mother involved as sometimes they'll listen to her better than they'll listen to me. The nurse yelled at my mother over the phone. So yeah not happy with this office, but I don't really have any other options. It's either go to St. Vincents (where I'm at now) or Billings Clinic. Unfortunately both seem to be full of incompetents and or complete jerks.