Self-Esteem, We All Have It

Self-esteem, everyone has it, be it high or low or in between. It’s how you view yourself, and in some ways how much you value yourself. Self-esteem however is not just based on what you think about yourself, it’s what you hear and see, or think you hear and see, other people saying or thinking about you. Your self-esteem can take a hit from a glance from someone who you view as prettier, or better than you are. It can get a boost from someone smiling and complimenting you on your clothing. Your self-esteem is changeable.

I tend to think a lot of people have lower self-esteem then they let on. Why do you think so many people make fun of others who are different? They do it to make themselves feel better. Because hey, if they aren’t at the bottom of the pile there will always be someone worse off than they are. The best case of this happening that I can think of is the low income white people in the South during the time of the Civil War. They didn’t own slaves; they didn’t benefit from slavery in any way other than they knew that a black person was lesser than they were just because of the color of their skin. As a result those people were some of the most violent and virulent racists in the entire country after slavery was abolished.

As only one woman with PCOS I can’t speak for everyone, but I know several factors in my low (but getting better) self-esteem is tied up in my physical appearance and how people (myself included) see me. I’ve never had anyone come up to my face and make fun of me about my weight, I have heard comments however about the hair on my face, and how I look. But I got the message, or what I thought was the message, loud and clear. I was less important, less desirable, just less because I wasn’t as pretty as the girls who were size 12 or below. I got this from comments my parents made when I dressed up, I got it from trying to find clothes while shopping with my sisters (who are all size 10 or under) who could shop at any store they wanted, I got it from looks and snorts and stupid things.

To get your self-esteem higher you have to learn whose opinion really matters and who is just full of so much crap. That stranger on the street cat calling you or making mooing noises? Full of crap. That sales lady who sneered at you when you tried that pretty blue dress on? Full of crap. The old woman at the grocery store or food court who made a remark on your food choice? Full of crap. That random family who made a callous remark about you compared with your sisters? Full of crap. And not only do you have to learn to ignore these outer voices, you have to be able to silence, or at least muffle the voice of society in your head telling you that you shouldn’t wear that skirt because your legs are too flabby, or that dress because it’s too brightly colored and makes you stand out.

It isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen in a second. I’ve been working on my self-esteem for the last…well it’s been a long time. But the instant you realize that truly the only person whose opinion matters is you, and you really take that realization to heart, you’ll take the first step into feeling better about yourself. Even after this step you will have days when you look in the mirror and think how ugly you are. Those days are the days when you most need to be yourself and not do what society attempts to brow beat you into doing. Those are the days to wear your favorite top, or that gorgeous skirt you just bought regardless of what color they are. Those days are the days when you have to stand up and be the most like yourself, and not like what society wants you to be.

Food is Not the Enemy

So food really isn't the enemy for larger men and women. It's their lack of self confidence. Now mind you at the moment I'm having problems with a picky stomach, but food isn't the enemy. Understandably people believe that food is the root of all their problems when they're fat, but truly it's not. Over the past few weeks I've been following what is called "Intuitive eating", basically I eat what I feel like when I feel like it. I want ice cream I have ice cream. I want an orange I have an orange. It's whatever sounds good to me at the time. And I've slowly begun figuring out what my body is wanting from me.

For example, late last week I bought a pizza, just plain cheese, no topping or anything. I have yet to eat more than three slices of it because everytime I think about eating it, my stomach turns. But the instant I think about eating some of that meatball soup I have in the freezer, my stomach grumbles at me. Or if I make a quick tuna salad sandwich m stomache is relatively happy. So at this point my body doesn't want greasy, oily foods, it wants things that are light. And for the past few days I've been craving food from this wonderful italian place but I really don't need to spend the money on going out. So I'm stuck trying to make do with what I have. So far I'm not so sure how well that's worked out. But I am learning. And I've found now that I've started enjoying my food and what it tastes like, I've stopped really thinking about what other people have to say or what they think about what I'm eating. And the truth is other people really don't care unless they have no life of their own.

Back in School and Surprisingly Happy

I started back for fall semester this week. Normally I cringe whenever I walk down the halls at the sight of all these size 2 girls draped over guys arms, and doing the whole giggle and be shallow routine. Mind you not all the girls are like that, but it just seems like I see so many of them. Well that was last year. ^_^ This year I walk down the halls and am able to ignore them. Why? Because someone calls me beautiful, and I believe him.

Last year I'd sit and feel miserable at tables in the cafe as all around me it seemed like all these girls, who I thought were prettier than me due to the fact that they were all thin, had someone that thought they were desirable. Mind you I wasn't envious of any one of them in particular over any one guy. I can honestly say I haven't seen one of these girls with someone that I would like to be involved with in any way. I just felt terrible over the fact that they seemed to be able to find a person who was interested in them while I was stuck in a corner.

This year, I really don't care. It very rarely crosses my mind to be unhappy while I'm on campus anymore, because I know when I go home I have something to look forward too. And this semester especially I have something to look forward to as my boyfriend is coming to see me in October over my birthday. So more often than not I'm not thinking about how these skinny girls are all prettier than I am, I'm thinking about when he's coming to see me or just thinking about him in general. So I usually end up walking around between classes with a goofy grin on my face.

So yeah this isn't exactly about weight, but when someone says you're gorgeous and you can believe them, it's a good feeling and can change your entire outlook. It gives you the confidence you need to lift your head high and basically tell society's idea of pretty to shove it.