Body Positive Fiction

So, my friend that I have mentioned before over at Fat Heffalump, posted quite some time ago about Kerry Greenwood's Corinna Chapman series. And recently I finally got a library card here at my local library. Well guess what series they have the first three books of? I picked up Earthly Delights, which is the first book in the series, yesterday and I've finished it already.

It was fabulous! In all honestly one of the best books I've read in a very very long time. And I'm not one for mystery novels, but these were great! The mystery thing is very subtle and she gets pulled into solving them through what she does naturally for other people. This isn't one of those generic mystery novels where the main character's job is as a PI. Nope Corinna is a Baker. And I bake so I really enjoy the fact that there are recipes in the back. Now I just have to fine a way to convert grams over to tablespoons and such.

Anyway, this series of books is very body positive, and I couldn't help laughing and almost crying because I know exactly how the character feels as a fat woman. But yes, I really think all fat women should read this book, it gave me a big boost. Not really in my self esteem but it just gave me a boost...a warm fuzzy feeling if you will.

Unfortunately those of us ladies in the US...I have yet to find a bookstore that carries these books in stock. It's rather upsetting.

How are you supposed to feel pretty...

...when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are constantly calling you fat and ugly. Almost every time I've dressed up since I hit puberty this line or something close to it hasn't been far from my father's lips, "You'd look so pretty if you just lost your weight." And everytime I talk to either of my parents they go on and on about my dad having lost weight, or about this and that person who's lost weight. And they tell me I could too if I tried. All I have to do is make "lifestyle changes".

And what makes this worse is I'm supposed to go to my sister's wedding tomorrow. Guess what line she won't ever get from my father. I dread the day I get married because I know he's probably gonna pull that line on me again.

Foot In Their Mouth

So I had a really bad night last night. And I hadn't vented anywhere about something my mother said over the phone a few weeks ago. Well we were talking about clothes, and as I'm getting to an age where Jeans and T-shirts aren't good enough and I need dress pants and other nice clothes, mom wanted to know what size I was. Well I haven't really gone shopping for clothes in a while at any place that sells good quality nice clothes so I didn't know. So she asks me how much I way. I told her 230's most of the time. And here's what she said "Wow, your dad weighs less than you do now!"

Way to make your daughter feel good mom. So she starts in "Oh I didn't mean it like that!" Yeah you did mom. It's not like I don't have enough self confidence issues going to my sisters wedding over Christmas, but now I get to be the fattest one in the family. Lovely, great, someone grab me a damned paper bag please.

Now I've always hated weddings. Hate going to them, hate sitting at the receptions being the only one bored out of my mind while everyone else goes running onto the dance floor. A. I don't dance in public B. No one would want to dance with me at weddings anyway so screw it, C. I hate getting the looks. You know the looks, the glance between you and your sisters weighing, measuring. And the inevitable thought, "How did they end up with that when the other three turned out so well?" And it doesn't help that I know some of my future brother-in-laws friends are assholes to women. So if I hear so much as one comment I'll end going to hide so I don't ruin my perfect sisters perfect day.

Article!

So I logged onto my windows live messenger this morning and whenever I log in I get this little window of current popular articles on all the MSN sights. Well on the Today portion of the MSNBC website I found this article.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33395019/ns/today-today_relationships/?GT1=43001

It's all about the problems larger women have with online dating and ridicule in their everyday lives. It tells of how some women talk with the guy and then the guy finds out their larger (even if it's written clearly on whatever page they have) he leaves with the excuse that he didn't know or just plain disappears. Other things are the guy is fine till you meet him in person and then he's disappointed.

Now this subject is fairly close to home for me as my own relationship was started online. Mind you we didn't meet through a dating site, but through mutual friends/family. But I get to go to the airport to pick him up today. He's staying with me for a little over a week, and I'm having the usual jitters. XD But those worried feelings are intermixed with a lot of excitement.

But I did try some of the dating sites and found them wanting. People only contact you if they feel your pretty enough on there. And yes online your picture counts for a lot because it's hard to describe yourself in a way that is appealing, or actually portrays who you are.

And on these sites unfortunately for obvious reasons I got ignored. *rolls eyes* So when I was really discouraged a friend introduced me and my honey (her brother-in-law) and things have been going well and I got rid of my account on the site I was on. And I know that online dating can work for some people, it's just harder and both parties have to be realistic.

Anyway I'm gonna end it there so I can clear off the kitchen table and thaw out the corned beef brisket I'm cooking tonight. So wish me luck, and post any progress when I can. (maybe when he's napping)

PCOS and Me

So I haven't talked much about PCOS on here and tonight I'm really feeling like it needs to be talked about. So I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and it's a giant pain in the rear end. Not only do I have mood swings galore if I don't take my birth control pills, but I'm also pretty much guaranteed to get Diabetes, and at higher risk of Uterine Cancer and Breast Cancer and umpteen other different bad things. On top of all these long term side effects I get to deal with ones that are everyday occurrences that quite frequently people make fun of me for. I have basically the beginnings of a beard of I don't shave it, and chest hair and all sorts of other crap that I don't want to deal with.

Now what brought this up tonight for me is that my boyfriend is coming to see me in 10 days. Now I've explained to him about PCOS and some of the things that happen because of it, but there's a distinct difference between telling someone and them seeing it. So I'm sitting here going "Great, wonderful, not only do I have to worry about zits and other normal girl stuff I have to worry about shaving my face!" It really made me want to cry when I started thinking about it. And I know if he can't accept that I have a few more physical quirks than a normal fat girl then he's not for me, but...

Grrrr, it just seems like I get screwed when I was born. I have three older sisters, of whom only one has PCOS. But she doesn't have the same issues I do. She is a size 10-12 doesn't have hair in the wrong places and looks gorgeous on top of only having to take birth control to deal with her PCOS. Now the other two...again size 10-12 gorgeous and societies version of pretty outside of model thin. So yeah whenever I think about standing beside them I cringe or want to cry. I want to scream why me.

You know intellectually I've excepted the fact that I'm going to have issues my entire life, but it's just not fair. Why am I the one that got all the bad crap when the lot of them just waltz through life?

So needless to say tonight hasn't been a good night. I can't seem to find anything really positive, and of course I get to look forward to my sister's wedding in a few months. Wonderful, I get to spend Christmas in a corner by myself while everyone else has fun and enjoys themselves. I hate weddings and I hate that I feel like I have to make up for the fact that I have PCOS because obviously I did something wrong to deserve it.

Love Yourself

So today I decided that I love my hands. I remember when I was little I always admired my mom's hands because they were so thin and feminine. Now I've bitten my nails since I was little, and at this point I kinda wonder if I'll ever stop biting them. But recently even with my stubby nails I looked at my hands and saw the thin fingers and the delicate bone structure and I went wow, I have really feminine hands. And this surprised me because sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what about me looks feminine at all. And sometimes I can see that my face is feminine other times my eyes or my curves. But there are too many times I look in the mirror and scowl because I don't feel that I look feminine enough.

And this week especially it's somewhat important to find what I like about myself because no matter what all women feel disgusting when it's that time of the month. So even though I feel horrible I had my moment of yay I'm feminine squishyness this morning.

Snow snow snow!

So it's below freezing outside and we've had our second round of snow here in Montana. I love the snow. I love the cold. I get to wear some of my cutest tops when it's cold out. I have no idea why there are no scoop necked short sleeved shirts but I have yet to see one. And sweaters! I love sweaters, they're so warm and soft. I like soft things, I'm a feely person so if a fabric feels nice I'm very inclined to want to wear it. And in winter time people don't look at me funny for wearing pants either. I always wear pants I can never find shorts that I like. They're always too short or too long or they don't come in my size. So winter is one of my favorite times of the year.

The other reason I like winter is because it lets me use some of my favorite blankets, and makes me want to finish various craft projects I've been putting off. Like my quilt that I started weeks ago. If I'd just work on it I'd have finished the quilt top ages ago. But school and all sorts of other things have gotten in the way. And crafts are one thing I love. I've found that making this quilt has been very restful because it's such a slow process and you can't really hurry it along.

Lets Talk Spam

So for the past few weeks I've been getting email after email of spam. Half of the emails are for male enhancement which sometimes makes me giggle and sometimes makes me want to scream, but the other half are all about losing weight or making your stomach flatter. Mind you I'm sick of getting both kinds but the second one hits a little harder. As I'm trying to think of myself as pretty and desirable, I keep getting this junk mail from people I don't know and have never heard of for all these diet products or products that will help me lose weight or look thinner. I keep deleting them and reporting them as spam but because they all come from different email accounts every time it really doesn't help. Everyday I have to clean out anywhere from 2-4 junk emails about this and that diet product.

It's really starting to take it's tole on me. I would absolutely love to just crash these peoples email accounts so they can't send anymore of this junk out to others. Oh and the best part, it doesn't even look like they're sending it to me. My email address isn't in the "To" bar. It makes me so mad and so upset. I wanna hate these people for being so gosh darned mean, even though I know they aren't doing it on purpose.

On top of all this I just had my prescriptions transferred to a pharmacy closer to my new apartment. Well I called the doctors office because I was out of refills anyway along with the transfer and the lady I talked to said they'd do it and call me later to make sure it was what I wanted. Well I didn't get a call so I ran over to the pharmacy yesterday to see if things had gone through and sure enough they hadn't so the pharmacy went and called the doctors office and got it all straightened out. Turns out the doctors office wasn't gonna do it at all. I'm so sick of this office, first they don't pre-certify some tests for me with the insurance company so I have to screw around trying to get them post-pre-certified. Then I find out that the doctor screwed up and prescribed me the wrong brace for the injury I had and so I had to pay for it out of pocket ($700-$800). Oh and when I go for physical therapy for the leg injury, the therapists looks at my test results and says it didn't look like a fracture to him, but like a bone bruise. But either way I get screwed.

And the nurse of course when I'm trying to get this all straightened out is an irresponsible and very rude individual. Needless to say I need to get my mother involved as sometimes they'll listen to her better than they'll listen to me. The nurse yelled at my mother over the phone. So yeah not happy with this office, but I don't really have any other options. It's either go to St. Vincents (where I'm at now) or Billings Clinic. Unfortunately both seem to be full of incompetents and or complete jerks.